I tend to have a lot of random thoughts going through my head and they’re not always ‘appropriate’ for public consumption. Thankfully, I’ve learnt to filter what comes out of my mouth but I thought it would be fun to share some of my favorite ‘inside thoughts’ with you today.
Here are my top 10:
1. To the people who crowd the gates at the airport, well before the boarding time:
- Are you travelling with a small child or need extra assistance? No.
- Are you seated in the exit row? No.
- Is your row boarding right now? No.
Well then, kindly move your ass out of the way so that the rest of us, who are able to follow instructions and are actually supposed to be boarding right now, can get onto the plane.
2. To the guys at the gym who feel it’s absolutely necessary to grunt, groan and make other loud sounds – you sound like a cross between some farm animal and a baboon, so if it’s the zoo you were looking for, you’ve come to the wrong place. If you’re here to actually work out, I assure you that the muscles in your throat aren’t benefiting from all those grunts, so kindly shut up.
3. To the lady I see every now and then riding the elevator, when I say hi and ask how you are, I’m really just being polite. We’re not close, we’re not really even friends, so please keep your replies brief instead of telling me your life story. I’m actually not that interested in the pain in your lower back, or the rash you must make an appointment to see your doctor about. Just a simple, “I’m doing well, how are you” will suffice. I promise to keep my reply brief as well.
4. To the people standing behind me in line at the checkout – ever heard of personal space? Apparently not. Well let me explain it to you, if you’re practically up my armpit (I’m a tall guy), you’re too close. If I booty-check you each time I reach down into my cart to get the next item, you’re too close. If I can feel you breathing, you’re too close. Bottom line, if you don’t back that truck up, don’t be surprised if you get an ‘accidental’ elbow whack.
5. To the telemarketer who just called, I heard the first 30 seconds of your sales pitch – man you can talk a long time without taking a breath! I have politely declined your ‘amazing limited time offer’ but you seem to think I just need some more convincing. I don’t. I suggest you accept that no, does in fact mean no. Otherwise, I’ll be forced to school you in effective communication, or, I’ll just speak really loudly (because it’s obvious you aren’t going to stop talking anytime soon) and then hang up on you.
6. To the tech support guy I call (after exhausting every possible option because I already know how painful this call is going to be with you) – please actually listen to what I’m telling you. I understand that you must have some sort of a script in front of you but could you please inject it with some common sense and good listening skills? I don’t need to hear your script. What I need is for you to listen to my issue, hear what I have done to try and resolve it, and then offer a solution. If you don’t have a solution, just say so but if you ask me one more time if my computer is plugged in, I may have to unplug you.
7. To the guy I’m speaking with, I’m offering you a piece of gum, please take it, your breath is awful! It smells like an animal crawled into your mouth, worked up a good sweat, then died and has been rotting away for a few weeks. If I have offered you a piece of gum more than once in the last five minutes, you’d be doing us both a favor by putting it in your mouth and turning your face away from mine.
8. To the people who hear that I’m gay and married, no, it is not appropriate to ask who ‘the guy’ is in our relationship. Newsflash – we both have penises! I understand that it might not be easy for your small mind to comprehend but we’re both ‘the guy’ in the relationship and somehow, we seem to manage just fine.
9. To the border security agent – yes, I’m Muslim and I’ve traveled to several Muslim countries. Nope, don’t know how to build a bomb, nor do I have any radical or extremist thoughts floating around in my head. Well, actually that’s not true. I do have one radical thought that keeps coming up. You’ve now asked me 3 times if I have any alcohol or tobacco to declare and I’ve said no each time. It seems to me that if your job is to keep our country safe, perhaps your attention to details needs a little work. Just sayin…
10. To the guy who is sitting next to me on the plane right now, it’s not cool for you to have your elbow half way into my seat. Seriously dude, it’s bad enough that you’re hogging the arm rest but you’ve got to get that elbow out of my space. I’ve pushed my elbow into yours a few times now but you don’t seem to be picking up what I’m laying down so is it time to get a little more physical? (If he’s reading this while I type, something tells me we’re going to have a very interesting conversation!)